Sunday, July 26, 2009

Michael Jackson - is ALIVE - I told you ...

Okay, okay, okay. I know he's not "physically" alive (or is he? I think he is - dang it), however he's soon to become the fire that burns bright in every woman's heart. I read on some web site that they (they?) are planning on turning locks of MJ's hair into DIAMONDS. Okay, so diamonds are my best friend, Michael Jackson screams my name in "Dirty Diana" and I think the combo of both is a beautiful thing ... but hello - is this not weird? Obviously the amount of money this "diamond" is going to bring in is huge. And everything else that has to do with Michael Jackson and his freakish life are just as strange - but why would someone think it would be a good idea to create diamonds out of his hair? I believe it's disrespectful to the dead (?) man's body and whoever buys these diamonds would be completely weird. Although I am not going to lie - I will look for the diamonds on ebay. I guess this whole diamond process will just reconfirm the strangeness that encased his life.

Anyway - a few things that are on my mind right now ...

Where the hell do fruit flies come from? No, I don't have any yet but I just wonder? One time my friend Balls and I found an old bag of powdered sugar. It was like a college campus of fruit fly eggs. I don't want to mention, but I will, the old potato that I found right next to it. I suspect that was the source of the bugs but wow. They totally grow out of nowhere. Did the human population start out of nowhere too? Look at how easy it is for fruit flies to establish a system off of a rotting potato - let alone where the humans started. On Planet X I am sure =)

I love watching Law & Order SVU. I totally think that Elliot and Olivia should just do it. And by "it" you know what I mean. I love those two together. I need to get a life ....

I was going to buy Sam an ant farm for his birthday - well I didn't. I realized that the gift would have been more for me then my son. I love ants. They are amazing creatures. They give true meaning to teamwork and loyalty more then humans do. Perhaps ants were supposed to be the prime life form on earth and humans just grew too big and crushed them? Perhaps I will ask for an ant farm for my birthday instead of those adorable bunny slippers I found. Probably not. I will build my own ant farm!

Okay so this post is so long and so random --- the story of my life!

Anyway - I ended up buying Sam an adorable "Cars" block thing that he picked out (no ant farm) and I need to go to bed!

xoxo - have a beautiful night! diana

Monday, July 20, 2009

It's been way, way, WAY too long!


Here is exactly what is happening in my life at this very moment...

Right now my son is talking to a freaky looking Ronald McDonald toy he found in the spare room closet ... strange. The Freezer Pop guy just walked past our house. He must be walking off all those freezer pops. I used to call him Big Gut Dude until one day he cruised by with a green freezer pop. So now he is Freezer Pop Guy. He's such a creeper too - he's always looking in people's windows. Maybe not a creeper but a very nosy man! Oh and by the way - nice freezer pop. Who walks down the street eating frozen sugar syrup? Unless you are less then the age of 9 - I don't think many people. Like what was going through his head, "I want to walk but I also want to enjoy this frozen lime pop treat - yummy. I guess I will just take it with me!" Or maybe he thought he was a hot sexy dude - cruising down the street with his midget wife and huge gut sucking on a lime freezer pop? Your guess is as good as mine!
So as I type this - my son (who's done playing with freaky deaky Ronald) is throwing a HUGE fit in the kitchen right now. I know you want to know why ... because I won't give him candy. The candy of choice this evening is the well known "Nerds" candy - if you have read my earlier posts he gets those things stuck in his nose. No way am I giving him "Nerds" now.

I have just added a movie to our Netflix queue - my husband is going to be so mad. I added "The Little Mermaid" to our queue. Who doesn't like to reminisce and watch that hot mermaid swim around? She's got it going on!

Sam just asked if he could close his eyes - think it's time for bed. I do have a blog I plan to write later about Cheerios - I want to know who their marketing manager is and why they think it's a good idea to leave kids unsupervised ...
have a beautiful day =) diana!

Monday, July 6, 2009

And all that glitter is gold!

*side note* It is currently 9:35 p.m. and it is pitch black, dark outside . That's not my point - my point is there are kids outside skateboarding - what the flip are their parent's doing???? Why are these kids outside when it's so dark?? If they hit my Jeep, I will be the one to get sued. Somehow it will be my legally parked Jeep that's at fault because these kids are outside skateboarding. Kudos to the legal system ... anyway ...
I am only a little bitter about parking on the street because the mail man once hit my car and said to me, "it's the big bumper", instead of admitting fault. And then - guess what. I received a note on my car - THE NEXT DAY - telling me to not park in front of the mailbox. Excuse but don't my taxes pay your salary? I will park wherever the flip I want to. If I carried letters around all day I would be a bit salty too, but this dude drives his little go cart, I mean mail truck all over town. I once remember when me and my bff ex roomie saw a mail truck being towed. How funny. We still laugh when we see a mail truck.
****There are sirens coming close to our house!! I think someone called the cops on me because I threw a Lego at my husband. It was an accident!! ****

Back to the mail truck. I remember one day shortly after the monster mail man hit my innocent VW bug my sister was over for a visit. It had snowed a few days prior and the roads were rather icy. All of a sudden out of nowhere we hear this awful "rug burn" sound. We look outside and see the monster mail truck STUCK outside by the mailbox. Please keep in mind my car was NOT parked out there due to the sassy letter I received days before. Anyway Mr. Monster Mail Truck hits a patch of dry land and TAKES off down the road sideways. So as poor Louie (the mailman) tries to regain control of his out of control monster mail truck, my sister is standing by the window yelling, "That {choice word that begins with an "F") better not hit my car!!". I gave her an old person frown and told her to relax because now poor Louie was stuck just a few feet away again. Why do they make the tires on mail trucks so dang small??!? Thank God for my VW but sad for me, I have never seen Louie the mail carrying, car hitting, slippery driver ... again. That just goes to prove everyone has a bad day at work.

Peace =) diana

Friday, July 3, 2009

Happy Flipping 4th of July ...

If someone were to ask me what the 4th of July signifies, I would say - "Freedom"

Let flipping freedom ring ...

If I were to ask the state of Wisconsin to define the "4th of July", they would surly reply, " The 4th of July is the most profitable day in regards to firework citations. $$$"

Are you aware the City of Sheboygan, and maybe the whole state, fines honest, good, law abiding citizens $366 if they light off fireworks or SPARKLERS? Okay, fireworks in the City - fine whatev. You start my house on fire, with your fireworks, we will exchange sassy glares and possibly a fist or two ... but Sparklers?!?

For real?!?

Like for real?!?

Are you kidding me???

You (when I say "you" I mean Sheboygan) are going to fine me $366 for holding a sparkler? Correct me if I am wrong but isn't lighting a sparkler rather similar to lighting a cigarette? They both are HOT HOT HOT. The both have the potential to start a fire. They both burn people. However - Sparklers are WAY more fun and cigarettes don't warrent a $366 fine... what am I missing???

Some of my best childhood memories involve a sparkler. God knows if there was a fine involved, my parents would never let me hold one. So this must be something new . .. . really new.

From what I have been taught by the upstanding, wonderful (immense sarcasm here) school system of Sheboygan Falls ... the 4th of July is a day to celebrate our Independence. How the hello kitty am I supposed to celebrate my Independence if the City of Sheboygan is regulating what kind of "firework" I can possess. Again I go back to ... people can use chainsaws without a $366 fine. People can smoke a fatal cigarette and not get fined. Hell, people can even have bon fires without a fine ... but a sparkler ... I don't feel the freedom ringing.

My forefathers would be so disappointed ... would they get fined for hitting two flint stones together and creating a spark ...? In Sheboygan - yes.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

what the arugula salad?!?

argh - a .

I am so frustrated right now. So, so frustrated. Okay so I spent like a year solid paying off all my credit cards (stupid Louis Vuitton, Prada, Dolce & Gabbana ...), it was a SUBSTANTIAL amount of money (but a BEAUTIFUL purse collection =)) ANYWAY after successfully paying off all my debt to Visa, MasterCard and Amex I was so happy and debt free! Well debt free until "medical" made me mad - but that's a whole other blog post!!!!

...stay focused here Big D...

So tonight, I am enjoying my night with my cutie boys and the phone rings. It's a random but consistent toll free call. Fed up with how rude it is to call this late at night I answer the phone ... it's some women (with surprising clear English) asking for a Sharon Wagner.

*side note* if you know Ms. Sharon Wagner tell her to pay her flipping bills ...okay?
I, in my stern but always friendly voice say, "I am really sorry, a 'Sharon Wagner' does not live here and I would appreciate you taking this number off your list." And you know what the clear English speaking girl says to me? She says, "Okay thanks". Okay thanks? You call me at 9:00 at night - which I believe is some kind of law in some state that you can't call that late ....... and then you just say "okay" and hang up? But do you know what really makes me mad? They called back ten minutes later ... someone who wasn't as talented at speaking English as the last one, and they ask for the same Ms. Sharon Wagner as before .... what the flip am I missing? Who is this Ms. Sharon Wagner?? And why doesn't she pay her bills? but most importantly .... why are they calling me?!? I checked my credit report and it's all good.... no identity fraud here... I searched her out on and her number is very different then ours. The only thing I can think of, is that our number is so generic it's easy to mix up ... hmmmm.

Here is everything you have wanted to know about me ...

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? Yes, a princess - perhaps you have heard of her? Princess Diana. She was kinda a big deal.

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? Like three minutes ago. I banged my knee on the counter. What the heck was my knee doing on the counter? Still hurts though. .. .

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? I don't have much of a choice if I don't.

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? Nothing. Ham smells like pig, turkey smells like wet dog, roast beef tastes like blood and tuna smells like the lake on a hot day.

5. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? Their face and posture (it's a tie! a tie!)


7. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? Myself at age 22. So cute, so skinny, so carefree ... ahhh

9. FAVORITE SOUNDS: Sam - when he's quite and SpongeBob's laugh (another tie! a tie!)

10. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? A sick Micheal Jackson joke. No - a twelve year old wiener is NOT FUNNY.

11. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? If I were a crayon I would be way too busy to care what color I was.

12. FAVORITE SMELLS? defiantly not my feet - whew!

13. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? Some bitty that wanted to hook herself up with some spa services.

14. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH? Midget dodgeball. It's so intense! Those little people have quite the attitude.

15. HAIR COLOR? is .... whatev I want it to be.

16. EYE COLOR? blue/green.

17. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? A more appropriate question would be - do you need contacts because you are blind? then the answer would be "yes, yes I do diddly do".

18. FAVORITE FOOD? Keystone - LIGHT!

19. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? I never wait for the end. I get too bored.

20. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? Nothing But Trouble !! Love that stupid movie. Love it.

21. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? wouldn't you rather know what color cape I was wearing??

22. SUMMER OR WINTER? Winter. Now that I have a Jeep I am not afraid anymore!

23. HUGS OR KISSES? Depends where I am.

24. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? Boy Crazy Stacy - duh my fave book.

25. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? My touch pad? nothing.

26. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT? Burn Notice. I love Phee!

27. FAVORITE SONG? any one I can yodel with.

28. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? I am not a huge fan of pebbles and I can't stand beatles. I kill them and then feel bad so I bury their bug bodies in the pebbles. It's rough.

29. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME? I went to Mexico. It was quite the uneventful trip!

30. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? Yup =) I can clap with one hand - can you?

31. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? In a cabbage patch. It was a unique experience.

32.HOW DID YOU MEET YOUR SPOUSE/SIGNIFICANT OTHER? At a local watering hole. Love at first Jack & Diet. awwwww

33. WHAT IS MOST IMPORTANT TO YOU? My family. I really do love them. Even if Sam pees on the wall.

34. FAVORITE SAYINGS? Whatev - no really that is my favorite saying. That and "your face". No, your face!

35. WHO WOULD YOU LIKE TO MEET? Whoever invented Karma.

{blank stare}

If I had ever had a daughter obviously I would tell her not to take off her clothes for money, or any reason really. Anyway - obviously posing naked is not something any parent wants their child to do when they get older ... however have you ever watched, "Girls Next Door"? What's up perfect life? I know we don't see everything but from what I saw, it looks like a pretty sweet life. What - running around with insane tube socks on while driving a pink golf cart doesn't sound awesome to you? {blank stare} And have you ever seen Kendra's house? Minus the stripper pole (some people have no tact) in the living room - it's an amazing house. That goes nicely with her amazing car, her perfect wedding at a huge mansion (where she used to live...) and I am sure her bank account looks just as good as she does. Every parent wants their child to succeed, make a lot of money, drive nice cars and live in honking huge houses. And every parent encourages their children to aim for the stars - the sky's the limit!! - so what do I say if my *hopefully* future daughter comes up to me one day and says, "Motha I wanna show my tatar tots off to the world!" Do I stipulate where she is allowed to show them off? Like, "Sorry *hopefully future daughter named inserted here* the only place you can pose naked for is Playboy or MySpace." MySpace because that is where Holly found a playmate. You gotta keep your options open ... well not really. I am more then positive that conversation won't ever take place. In large amount because I will never have a daughter - I am destine to have boys. Four naughty, nerd eating, wall peeing BOYS. {blank stare}